Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
