I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
