Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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