A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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