My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
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Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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