How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
