thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
