so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
So squirting runs in the family.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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