Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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