DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
