Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
