I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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