i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
