It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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