What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
