Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
