They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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