Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
