I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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