Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
