Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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