i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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