Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
