Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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