I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
