why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
