At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
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I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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