Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
