just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
