We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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