Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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