my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So. Much. Porn.
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