I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
