Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
