we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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