One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
