overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you told grandpa to call you daddy
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
