Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
40s are totally the cure
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
