I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
