I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
