Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
