as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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