Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
