Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
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My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
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In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.