I smell stomach acid.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
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Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.