I haven't been this sober since birth.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
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he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
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Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.