Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
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A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.