I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
THAT is your concern right now?
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a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
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I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.