I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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