woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
