I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
