which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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