How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
