she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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