The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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