I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
