What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
