I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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