Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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