Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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