is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
