guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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